Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..