me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE