imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
shakira sharkira
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
shakira sharkira
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.