dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.