me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
peep davidson
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates