me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
the dark web is just a goth google.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid