jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.