my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
mariah carrie
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.