100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison