*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING