Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”