Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house