he’s sick of your bullshit today
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
necessity is the mother of invention
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
this country is so goddamn polarized
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
reduce, reuse, recycle
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.