If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.