I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
October already? What’s next? November????
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.