sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular