Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
the simulation is moving too fast
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
🤣🤣🤣
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.