Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.