My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.