If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Butt weight. There’s more!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.