“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.