If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
You Might Also Like
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Ferrari squats
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.