Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what