The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.