An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Battery falling down a hole
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Name this drama.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”