Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is