I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Cake safety first. Always.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?