Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.