As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
my favorite genre of twitter
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants