All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.