NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.