I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.