All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.