The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.