My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.