David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.