Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]