My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.