Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone