Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO