“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.