Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.