Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.