I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”