Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
technically true but not a great slogan
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid