your honor my client chooses dare
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.