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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket