If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys