This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
sugar glider wrangler
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Flock of bats
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.