I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.